Find Your Bliss in Exotic Locales
Whether they're wrestling crocodiles or giant cans of Foster's Lager, Australians have a reputation for adventure that's recognized around the world. And evidently that reputation extends to sex. Our survey found that Australian men have had sex in the most different locations.
Why are those lucky guys Down Under having the most fun sex in (and out of) bed—and how can we get some of that?
One theory is genetic. Adding to their daring nature is the fact that a large percentage of Australians originally came from a gene pool of criminals who were brought over from overcrowded English jails in the late 1700s. “These are men who have elevated levels of testosterone and dopamine in their brains,” says Helen Fisher, PhD, research professor in the anthropology department at Rutgers University in New Jersey and author of Why We Love. “Testosterone is associated with sexuality, and dopamine is associated with risk-taking, novelty-seeking, and energy. It might be likely that such kinds of men would try a wider variety of locations for sex.”
“Australians built their identity on what they call larrikin spirit,” says Dr. Patricia Weerakoon, a popular Australian sexologist and the coordinator of the graduate program in sexual health at the University of Sydney. “Larrikinism is an Australian folk tradition of anti-authoritarianism and irreverence and a disregard for the norms of propriety.” The culture, as she sees it, is pro-pleasure and prosex—as evidenced by the fact that she is a frequent guest lecturer on the subject of healthy sex at Rotary Clubs and church groups. “It's really okay here to talk about fun and novelty. Cultures have said it throughout the ages, but Australian society has really made a place for people to have fun and push the boundaries of what's acceptable.”
Percentage of men worldwide who have had sex in the following places:
In a bed
In the car(parked)
In the kitchen
In the woods
On the beach
In a swimming pool
In the office
In the car (while driving)
In the bathroom of a club/restaurant
19. 8 percent
On the washing machine
In an elevator
On the roof of a building
On a hammock
At the gym
In public transportation
In the hospital
In an airplane
I n a taxicab
At the airport
Clint Paddison, CEO of BlinkDating.com in Australia, has a different explanation. “It's very much an outdoors culture here, mostly because the weather's so good. For instance, almost every restaurant here has outside seating. It's one of the reasons we excel at sporting events like running and swimming and surfing—we're outside doing them all the time. So it doesn't seem like a huge leap for an Australian to take sex outdoors.” Jan Hall, PhD, an Australian psychologist who specializes in relationship and sexual issues and the author of Sex-Life Solutions, agrees with him: “Australian men and women are down-to-earth and love the outdoors, so it's only natural that sex in locations out of the house would be a turn-on.”
Regardless of what the true explanation is, this much we know: hodophilia—that's sex in different places to you—is hot. “If it's possible, sometimes only just barely possible, to have sex in an unusual outdoor setting, someone has more than likely had sex there,” says Buck Tilton, author of Sex in the Outdoors: A Humorous Approach to Recreation. What is it about sex in anyplace other than bed that gets the engine revving? Gabrielle Morrissey, PhD, an Australian sex expert and the author of Urge: Hot Secrets for Great Sex, explains: “When we add a new or different stimulation, our minds can process that stimulation into arousal.”
This is especially true for what experts call agoraphilia—and we call getting it on in public. Spiking the risk sensors boosts blood flow and brain activity, increasing your awareness of sensations. “It makes our senses ultra-sensitive,” says Dr. Hall. “Trying to make sure we are not seen or heard makes it more of a turn-on.” And the sex we have is better as a result: “The romantic thrill of possibly being caught increases all the processes that the body experiences when we approach orgasm. So those sensations are heightened,” says Dr. Morrissey.
There may be a nostalgia factor as well. Remember high school, when you'd make out anywhere you could? Then, the kinkiest place you could imagine doing it was in a bed. But the coat-check rooms and secluded spots behind the dunes are still out there, waiting for you. And perhaps they can help you reclaim some of the youthful fervor that came from the certainty that someone was going to come around the corner any minute.
It's worth noting that sex in many of these places may not be conducive to the world's best orgasm—for either one of you. Don't let that stop you. The memories (and bragging rights?) will pay tremendous dividends later when you're having regular Wednesday-night sex. And remember that you can always start in one place and go somewhere else.
In this chapter, we'll review the hottest of these off-road love spots and give you the advice you need to help ensure that your private interlude in a public space is as incredible as your fantasy of it was.
#1: A Bed
No surprises here: 84 percent of our respondents said they'd had sex in a bed. Our only other question: Since just 4 percent of the guys who answered are still virgins, where are the other 12 percent of you doing it?
Those adventurous Australians didn't have much to say on this topic, probably because they're too busy getting it on in other, more unconventional places. They chose to reserve comment for more exotic locales like the woods (page 226), the beach (page 228), and the hospital (page 239.) But here are some comments from the rest of the world.
What's great about it: What's not to like? It's comfy and properly proportioned, and you can crash right afterward. Add a bedside table full of condoms, lube, and whatever toys you like to incorporate, and you might even say it was the perfect venue. “It's comfortable,” says Antzhela from Greece. Angela, 35, from Amsterdam, agrees: “It's comfortable, and ours alone.”
Best positions: A good place to try anything and everything, as appropriate for the nastiest doggy-style as for the most loving face-to-face missionary position. Got a great headboard? That'll be perfect for tying her wrists above her head. (And if you don't have one, what were you thinking?)
Don't limit yourself to the flat surface, either. One (or both of you) partly off the bed—you standing while she sits at the edge, you leaning while she sits at the edge, her standing and leaning on her elbows (see Chapter 7 for lots more ideas)—can bring a whole new dimension to this tried-and-true.
What to watch out for: Acute, soul-killing, sex-life-extinguishing boredom. But don't worry—as long as you give some of the other locations in this chapter a test-drive, you can have your cake and eat it too.
#2: A Parked Car
What the average car lacks in amenities, it makes up for in convenience, apparently—because 57 percent of you owned up to some automotive love.
As turn-ons go, this one seems to be a generational thing. The 2006 global sex study done by the condom company Durex, for instance, found that just over one-third (34 percent) of 16-to-20-year-olds favored the car, compared with 69 percent of 45-to-55-year-olds. We're not statisticians, but this does seem to suggest that it's more fun when it's not your only option (as it is for many horny teenagers).
What's great about it: It's portable! You've got tunes, reclining seats, cup-holders—and nothing says illicit quite like steaming up the windows during a parking lot quickie.
Best positions: Hit the backseat horizontally, with her on the bottom. Or sit in the center of the backseat, as if you were in a cab, and let her straddle you, facing toward the front of the car and using the bucket seats for leverage.
IN THE TUSCAN PARKING LOT
If you and your sweetie are fans of car sex, you might want to plan a trip to Vinci, birthplace of the great Leonardo, in the Tuscany area of Italy. A large percentage of young Italians live at home, leaving them without privacy or a safe alternative. In response, Vinci's mayor authorized Italy's first “Love Park,” complete with soft lighting, condom machines, and 172 parking spaces in which to get your groove on.
What to watch out for: The Son of Sam—or Italy's version, the still-at-large Monster of Florence. Uh, just kidding. Mostly what you need to watch out for is the cops. Although if a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects you're getting busy, he has to honk his horn twice and give you a few minutes before approaching. Isn't that civilized?
When in London, it is specifically illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle. So keep your eye out for the bobbies.
#3: The Kitchen
Everyone's got one, and a lot of you—51 percent—are using it for a lot more than blending protein smoothies.
What's great about it: A whole host of delicious sex enhancers are within reach (see “Playing with Your Food” on page 224 for ideas about what to use and how to use them). Let's face it, whipped cream wouldn't be such a terrible Hollywood cliché if it weren't so incredibly fun—both the application and the cleanup get high points.
Best positions: Stand up while she sits on the edge of the kitchen counter, sink, or table. “The solid surface will make even slow, small thrusts intense,” says Isadora Alman, a California sexologist who writes a syndicated column called Ask Isadora.
Or give yourself over to the slippery-when-wet pleasures of linoleum, and keep the fridge door open for easy access to the Jell-O. We think you're going to like the way that tiny light bulb makes her look.
What to watch out for: We're assuming that you're not subject to regular inspection by the health department. Even so, bear in mind that usual kitchen hazards are amplified when you're (a) naked and (b) distracted. Watch out for hot elements and sharp knives—it's all fun and games until someone backs into the corkscrew.
PLAYING WITH YOUR FOOD
You can't go wrong with the tried-and-trues: There's a reason that chocolate syrup and whipped cream get all the kinky play in movies. But your refrigerator contains any number of delicious treats that are even more delectable when served up on the warm, silky skin of your beloved.
Play with different textures. Honey, molasses, and jam are sticky; brown sugar has a very pleasant grittiness. Avocados are creamy; heavy cream is rich and thick.
Feed her. “The best foods for sex are fruits that you can rub onto the body, such as soft mango or papaya,” says Ava Cadell, PhD, a Hungarian-born, British-raised expert who has traveled and taught widely throughout the world. “Then devour both her and the fruit.” Even the most determined carnivore will discover that fruit tastes good when it's mashed in the heat of passion and has to be licked off someone else's skin. “An overripe date is a very good thing to smash and then lick off a man,” says Liat, a retail store manager from Israel.
But you're not restricted to sweet stuff. Experiment with a salty olive in her belly button, a sour slice of grapefruit sucked from between her lips. “I once ate an entire pound of thinly sliced smoked salmon from between my girlfriend's legs,” says Adam from Poland. “It was a perfect pairing.” “The avocado is very common in Mexico, and my boyfriend likes the ripe ones very much!” says Paula, a Mexican hotel administrator. “I know one thing from playing with them: It is very good for the hair and skin.”
Dine in style. Nyotaimori, the act of eating sushi off a naked woman's body, goes back to the ancient Japanese courts; a version has become popular at parties in the United States as well. Traditional rules include: no speaking to the “platter,” no touching of her body, no lewd or inappropriate gestures, and mandatory use of chopsticks. See how many of these rules you can break—and make sure to take your turn as the platter as well. (Bathing with fragrance-free soap is advised prior to the event—and remember, all the food safety rules about preparing, serving, and eating raw fish still apply, no matter how toothsome she looks!)
Body shots. “Stuck without air conditioning in the country, I rolled a cold can of Coke all over my girlfriend's body and then poured the contents all over her and licked it off,” says Alistair from South Africa. “Sweet and salty; I've never enjoyed a Coke like that since.”
Pour dessert wine into her navel and lick it out. Or make it tequila, complete with a salt trail all the way up to her mouth, where your lime is waiting. Arriba!
Take a mouthful of champagne, and let the bubbles do their good work on her clit. Or do as the Russians do: Take a swig of cold vodka and then lick her nipples. The alcohol will sting in a very gentle, very erotic way.
And when having that private sushi bar, try wakamesake, the Japanese practice of drinking sake poured down her body from the “cup” formed by her lap.
Some like it cold. A judiciously placed ice cube can be a wonderful thing. “Cold is sensed by more nerve endings than mere touch can reach, so you're expanding her range of response,” says British expert Phillip Hodson. If the intensity is too much when directly applied to her skin, tease her by holding an ice cube in your hand above her body; as it melts, target the droplets at her most sensitive spots. “I once had an orgasm this way,” says Marina, a Czech writer. “My lover dripped, dripped, dripped, dripped cold water from ice on my nipples, my abdomen, my pussy, into my mouth. It was sensational.”
Ice cream can be another sweet addition to your play. Feed it to her from the carton with your fingers. Paint some on her body—or anywhere you'd like to be licked. Make a banana split, complete with whipped cream, sprinkles, and a cherry on top, using her as the sundae boat. Or use yourself as the banana. No spoons allowed. “We have these frozen ice pops, juice frozen into long thin sticks. We always keep a few in the freezer; my girl always laughs now when we see a kid eating one on the street,” says Nico, a construction worker from the Dominican Republic.
Or try this: “I was too busy coming to care at the time, but I found out later that he'd put a single, frozen pea into his mouth when he was down on me,” says Mariebelle in France. “The pressure of the cold pea contrasted with his warm mouth—I will never forget it.”
Once you've gotten her cold, use your mouth to warm her up again. Take a mouthful of tea or coffee and then lick her clit. She won't believe you're hotter than she is!
Sweet stuff is delicious for sex play, but you should avoid getting any of it inside of her. Foods with high sugar content—including chocolate, honey, and fruits—can change the pH of the vagina and lead to an infection, which means a sex time-out for you!
And be careful with those frozen foods—very cold stuff can numb sensitive areas, even to the point of pain.
#4: The Woods
An endless, star-filled sky, the fresh air, the sounds of nature—there's nothing like a little bit of wild nookie to bring out the chest-beating, red-meat-eating beast within every man.
It's time-honored as well. Erotic paintings and poetry from China often depicted sex in a beautiful garden, amidst rocks and flowers with very suggestive shapes. The seasons were often used as a metaphor for the progression of the sexual act, with acts of foreplay depicted in spring, for instance.
There's something about being outside that returns us to our most primal and animalistic selves—and that's a great recipe for great sex. “My husband and I go camping at least twice a year. We find a remote location, wear clothes only when we feel like it, and get back to our animal roots!” says Dominique, a clothing store owner in Brazil.
What's great about it: It's like summer camp, but without the sexual frustration. Having sex outside was central to the Celtic rituals of Ireland, which held that nakedness and sex al fresco allowed you to tap into and channel the elemental energies of the earth. And it is true, from a novelty standpoint, you can't beat the outdoors—especially if you're urban. “Everything's different: The smells are different, the sounds, the way light looks, the way sound carries—it's a totally novel experience,” says Japanese-German sex educator Midori, author of Wild Side Sex.
And if exhibitionism's your bag, this is a good way to indulge—no matter how far out in the bush you think you are. “We were in the most remote location in the countryside you can possibly imagine; I thought there wasn't anyone for miles. And what do you know, we're going at it, and we hear this couple out for a hike and having the most horrible fight,” says Antonia, a travel writer in Britain. “We couldn't keep the giggles in; they were embarrassed and even more furious once they realized what we'd been up to.”
Bear in mind, sound carries well at night, especially along water, and when there's nothing else out there making noise except for a few crickets. “We go camping with friends a lot and have found that it's best to either disappear while everyone is gathered around the campfire after dinner, or wait until very late when everyone is sleeping at night,” says Friedrich, a sales rep from Mainz, Germany. “The time when everyone is settling in for sleep is the worst—I have heard many couples that way!”
Of course, you don't have to confine your primal urges to the tent. Like any good Boy Scout, we hope you'll come prepared. On a hike, it's worth carrying the extra weight of blankets and a pad like the Big Agnes Air Core pad (www.rei.com). It's cushy but durable and doubles as a raft for skinny-dipping. Just get off the trail, find a sheltered spot, and let it happen.
Speaking of skinny-dipping: “On a trip to the Hawaiian islands last year, my husband and I found this beautiful little waterfall and had incredible sex under, in, and around it,” says Mac, a doctor from Perth, Australia. “It was like the world's strongest and nicest detachable shower head!”
Want an added dash of excitement? “Plan outdoor sex to coincide with a rare event,” says Dr. Hall. “It's such a bigger turn-on to do it on the beach under a full moon or in a park during an eclipse.” Bear in mind that if your girl is game, the weather doesn't have to be perfect, either. As long as you're mindful of lightning warnings, a torrential summer rain or the early morning mist can be a very cinematic backdrop. (Rain is also a very good cover-up for whatever noises you're making in your tent.)
Best positions: Dr. Morrissey says an outdoor session should include plenty of manual arousal before the clothes come off, to minimize the length of exposure. (It's not a practical choice for hiking, but for other public sex locales we highly recommend that she wear a skirt.) Once the clothes are off, let her take control. “What a man needs to do is have her on top so he can relax his muscles and delay orgasm,” Dr. Morrissey says.
What to watch out for: Hygiene may be compromised after a lot of time outdoors. “If you've worked up a real sweat hiking out to a remote location, it's probably not a great time to suggest oral,” says Paddison. But many people find that the slight funkiness—sweat, bug spray, and real dirt—is part of the allure.
An outdoor session should include plenty of manual arousal before the clothes come off.
In fact, there's quite a bit to worry about. The big danger: that you're not the only beast out there. Let's face it, if you're getting busy in the wild, you'll be not only less likely to notice the appearance of a bear but also in a particularly bad position for either fight or flight. (There's some question about whether the smells and sounds of human lovemaking attract bears. Unless you want to be making the beast with three backs—one of them belonging to a 900-pounder—it's probably best to hold off if you're in bear country.) Don't forget to treat used condoms as you would trash or food or anything else that might attract a wild animal (double-bagged and hung); it's certainly not a good idea to sleep with one in the tent with you.
As you may remember from Scouts, a poison ivy rash is nothing to joke about—and that time, it was just around your ankles. Finally, if any clothes remain, may we suggest hunter's orange, just to be on the safe side?
#5: The Beach
Beach sex is so great that there's a girl-drink named after it. What's the secret? Beaches connote both sex and romance, says Canadian sex educator Ellen Kate Friedrichs, of sexedvice.com. Not to mention that if you're on the beach, you're probably on vacation. The weather is good, the sun is hot, and the clothing is skimpy. That's probably why this was such a prevalent fantasy in our survey.
What's great about it: What isn't? Whether it's a sun-stunned late afternooner or a slightly chilly, post-clambake romp just out of range of the campfire, there's much to appreciate about beach sex. Expectations of beach sex tend to run high—turn that to your advantage by mentioning the possibility to your sweetie early in the trip.
Once again, preparation is key. A blanket or an extra-large beach towel is the bare minimum, of course; if you're going to be frolicking for a while, heavy-duty sunscreen is also a good idea.
If you want to step it up a notch, the mini-cabana is beach sex in high style; it will not only protect you from sunburn but afford you some privacy as well. No tent? “Wait until long after sunset, then get away from the ambient light of the boardwalk or pier,” suggests Lorelei Sharkey, author of Rec Sex and one half of the New York magazine sex-advice duo Em and Lo. Steer clear of the dunes; “you won't be able to hear an interloper until he or she is on top of you.”
If it's the sunlight that turns you on, find somewhere secluded and take a picnic basket as camouflage. Or go in the water—from shore, it'll just look like you're kissing. “Being outside and the lack of gravity really turned me on,” says Sarah, an Australian student. Later, you can raise a cerveza in honor of whoever invented the side-tie bikini.
Best positions: On shore, start in the missionary position, and roll, à la Here to Eternity. In the water, you can stand, with her leg (or legs) around your waist. Pack a waterproof Babelight—a keychain, vibrator, and flashlight all in one (www.babeland.com). You can clip it to your shorts, get her off, and find your way back to the clambake in style.
What to watch out for: If you do go submarining, make sure to pack some silicone-based lube in your board shorts—water in general (and salt water in particular) will make you both very sore. Also beware of sand—if water makes a poor lubricant, sand makes a truly terrible one. And try not to traumatize those little kids playing paddleball.
#6: The Office
Ah, the office. What is it about fluorescent lights, industrial carpeting, and the smell of toner that makes the heart beat just a little bit faster after hours? A lot of you—about one-quarter of you—know.
What's great about it: Let us count the ways. It's exhibitionist: The thrill of discovery that always accompanies semipublic sex is greatly enhanced by the idea that the discoverer might be your boss—or that hot chick from PR. It's naughty: You can be pretty sure that Louise in accounts payable would not be happy to see your girlfriend's bare ass on her desk. It's discordant: If there were ever a less sexy place than the modern corporate office, we'd like to know what it is—and yet that unsexiness has a certain sexiness all its own, no?
Probably the best thing about office sex is the gift that keeps on giving: It permanently imprints the most humdrum of everyday locations with the memory of illicit sex. Trust us, that fax machine will never look the same to you again.
Best positions: Get ergonomic on her. “When I got together with my boyfriend, we'd been working together and sustaining this very high level of sexual tension for months. When it finally happened, we had sex everywhere we'd ever thought about it,” says Beatriz, a lawyer in Venezuela. “We had sex on my desk. We had sex on his desk. We had sex under his desk. We had sex in my boss's chair. He bent me over the photocopier and we copied my tits. We left fingerprints (and other prints) on the glass in the client foyer. It was like a sexy-secretary porno movie. We couldn't stop!”
NOT-SO-EXOTIC DESTINATIONS FOR GETAWAY SEX
There's nothing like the thrill of the exotic, but let's face it—it's not always possible to go somewhere truly illicit and glamorous. When that's the case, make love in all the rooms of the house, says Mabel Iam, Argentinian author of Sex and the Perfect Lover—and when she tells us to do something, we do it. And once you've done that, try these. . . .
You've done the kitchen; now try the closet. Sex in the closet might sound more like a punch line than a sex tip, but don't knock it till you've tried it. Any unusual setting gets the blood racing, but the closet is an unexplored bonanza. Why? Noises are muffled, and you're surrounded by the textures of different fabrics—a wool coat, a nylon windbreaker, a silk scarf. As an added bonus, you might catch a whiff of the perfume she wears when she gets dressed up; scent stays in clothes much longer than it stays on the skin. Also, the close quarters add a very titillating sense of restraint.
Bonus points: Sneak in while your in-laws are making Thanksgiving dinner.
Up the down staircase. Like the home gym, stairs are sort of like sex furniture that comes with your house. They're particularly good for couples with the kind of height differential that usually makes standing-up sex impossible.
Best positions: Sit on the stairs, facing the railing, with one leg braced a step or two down and the other leg slightly bent. She lowers herself on to you, also facing the rail and holding it for support. For her, it's reverse cowgirl without the charley horse.
Another alternative: She stands with her back to the railing, one leg up on it. You stand in front of her, on whichever step makes sense, and enter her from the front.
And another: She bends over, holding the railing, while you take her from behind. Or she gets on all fours, hands a few steps higher than her knees, and you a few more below.
The couch. All the comforts of the bed, with slightly different (but still familiar) scenery. You can choose your pleasures here—including a super-charged missionary position, afforded by pushing your feet against the arms.
Or ask her to straddle the arm of the couch, facedown, as you enter her from behind. This allows her hot spots to grind on the cushy arm of the sofa, so she gets multiple stimulation with minimal effort. And you can keep one eye on the game.
Give her a tune-up. If the walls of your teenage bedroom were plastered with posters of hot chicks spread-eagled on hot rods, you'll want to take this one out for a spin. Wait until the kids are asleep, and then sneak into the—wait for it—garage, says Mary Taylor, a former exotic dancer in Toronto and the author of Bedroom Games. “It's really a sexy way to break the bedroom habit,” she says. “First of all, you're leaving the house without really leaving the house, and women love it because it's such a masculine place.” Of course, you'd never be stupid enough to leave the car running with the garage door closed. Of course you wouldn't.
This is also a good way to have sex in someone else's house. Sneak out during halftime at cousin Bernard's Super Bowl party, or excuse yourself to get more cranberries from the spare fridge in the garage at Thanksgiving.
Take it outside. You don't necessarily have to go camping to experience the fun of sex under the stars. Prop her up on the porch balcony; have sex in the sunroom with complete darkness outside (and all the lights on inside, if you feel like showing off what you've got). Pitch a pup tent in your backyard and turn a regular bag into one big fun-house for two with the Sweetie Pie Sleeping Bag Doubler (functional design.net). Or while the kids are away at camp, commandeer their tree house for a quickie by flashlight.
Stroll in the park. Sit down on a bench, unzip, and have her join you on your lap, facing you. For best results, we suggest the cover of night. Sex in public places—often in parks—called “dogging” in Britain, is a serious pastime for lots of people. Check online and you'll find Web sites devoted to the best places to dog or to watch fellow doggers, if that's your, er, cup of tea.
Go to the movies. Sex with a celebrity was one of the leading fantasies in our poll. Which makes having sex at the movies the closest thing that some of us are going to get to another leading fantasy: a three-some. Failing a completely empty theater and sleeping ushers, actual intercourse is only for the bold—or those who don't mind braving the inch-thick layer of old Coke and popcorn on the floor. For the rest of us, movie sex is manual sex—or oral, if you can lift the armrests between seats.
Feeling daring? Knock out the bottom of your popcorn tub for a little extra camouflage. Now all they have to do is make another George Clooney/Catherine Zeta-Jones flick, and everyone will be happy.
Make a deposit. To really add some spice to your sex life, make a quick stop at your bank. A safe-deposit-box room is quiet, the door is locked, and there's no camera. It's a great place to make a deposit and withdrawal.
Pull over. “The showers at truck stops are great places if you want to break up the monotony during a long road trip but don't want to stop at a motel,” says Japanese-German sex educator Midori. “They're usually pretty clean and private, but it feels very kinky indeed.”
What to watch out for: Being walked in on by your boss, for one. It might heighten the fantasy, but getting caught with your pants down (literally) is the type of thing that tends to haunt you at review time. Also, if the person with whom you're dallying is a co-worker, you're exposing yourself to some potentially unpleasant possibilities.
First of all, you're going to have to work together, whether you want to keep sleeping with one another or not. Second, work relationships are nearly impossible to keep under wraps, so operate under the assumption that everyone—including clients and people you liaise with at other firms—will know. Third, there's the very real possibility of a sexual harassment suit.
And you'll want to make sure that your workplace—the main trading floor of an investment banking firm, for instance, or a casino—doesn't use closed circuit cameras.
#7: A Restaurant or Club Bathroom
Dinner and dancing—what better way to set the mood? At a restaurant, the wine is flowing, the candlelight is twinkling. At a club, the beats are pounding, sweaty bodies moving. You're hot, she's hot—why wait until you get home? No wonder 19 percent of you have ended up returning to the table with her panties in your pocket!
What's great about it: The mood has been set, the threat of discovery is imminent, and it's so dirty. “I couldn't believe it was me! It's something one of the Sex and the City girls would do with a male model, isn't it—not a nice young doctor couple like us,” say Bettina and Russell, a pediatrician and cardiologist from Leeds, England.
Best positions: Standing up is probably your best bet, hygienically speaking. She can put one foot up on the toilet paper holder (gently, please, ladies) and use the top of the stall door for a little extra leverage. If the architecture agrees, you can keep the stall door open and watch yourselves in the mirror, and that's a pretty picture of debauchery and everything that's wrong with the Western world, isn't it?
If you prefer a subtler approach, lift her up completely so that her legs are around your waist, and only one pair of feet will be visible under the stall door. Nobody will ever know your little secret. Unless the rhythmic groaning and the shifting of the side wall give the game away.
But the bathroom isn't the only option, particularly in a big club with lots of dark corners, VIP lounges, cloakrooms, and the like. (Stay out of the office, growls Doug, a restaurant manager in New York.) If things get too advanced on the dance floor, you can always repair to the comfort of the banquettes for some relief. “My girlfriend and I love to go out dancing. After we've gotten each other worked up on the dance floor, we go back to our table, have a drink, and go at it,” says Felipe, a singer in Brazil. “If everybody is having a good time, who cares what we're doing?” Thank God for bottle service.
What to watch out for: (1) Bathroom attendants. As if it isn't enough that they have to sit in the crapper all night.
“After we've gotten each other worked up on the dance floor, we go back to our table, have a drink, and go at it.”
(2) Breakage. You see, porcelain sinks and urinals aren't actually designed to support the combined weight of two people doing the funky chicken. Take it from Sarah, a Canadian marketing manager: “The night before my sister's wedding, I snuck into the men's bathroom during the rehearsal dinner to get it on with my future brother-in-law's gorgeous cousin. I was sitting on the sink, with my foot up against the urinal opposite for leverage. At a climactic moment, I must have pushed too hard, because the urinal came crashing off the wall and broke into a thousand pieces. At the wedding the next day, nobody talked about anything else. My sister thought it was hysterical.”
#8: The Washing Machine
Seventeen percent of you have gotten dirty while your clothes were getting clean.
What's great about it: Besides the fact that it's the biggest vibrator around?
There's something about laundry that's deeply intimate and personal. Plus, you know she's wearing that zebra underwear that someone gave her as a joke because there's nothing else left in the drawer. And let's face it, doing laundry is boring and sex a great time-killer—and a 32-minute wash cycle is about right! Not to mention that a front-loader is about the right height for most couples. There's also an exhibitionistic factor; many apartment dwellers share a laundry room with the rest of the building. And let us not forget the Doritos Girl.
Best positions: Sit her on the edge of the machine with her legs bent and hooked over your arms. If she's flexible, put her feet on your shoulders. As a bonus, give her a little attention with your tongue while she rocks away.
Alternately, sit on the machine yourself and have her straddle you. Stay still—at least at first; the vibrations will carry through your penis. You can adjust the cycles to suit the mood. Start slow and work up—for your information, the spin cycle is the fastest.
What to watch out for: We can't think of a single reason against making laundry a more enjoyable chore.
On the other hand, “washing machine” is a deprecating term used for a guy with only one (circular) move in the cunnilingus department. So that's something to watch out for.
#9: An Elevator
Almost 10 percent of you have gotten it up while it was going down.
What's great about it: The thrill of discovery escalates with every floor. Unless you stop in between floors, of course. A crowded one is also a great place to cop a surreptitious feel. And don't get us started on the glass ones. . . .
Best positions: Her standing, with one leg up. Pray for one of those horizontal handrails they sometimes have along the back wall—what else is that thing for, if not leverage? Or she can bend over, spread her legs, and bend her knees to allow you access. British expert Emily Dubberley also suggests that one of you try “going down while you're going down.”
“I never would have, but we got stuck, and I got a little claustrophobic and weepy and he gave me a hug,” says Trine in Denmark. “And suddenly we were all over each other on the floor of the thing. It took my mind right off what would happen when we ran out of oxygen. Great sex, and satisfied a fantasy I didn't even know I had!”
What to watch out for: Accidentally hitting the alarm button. And if you hit the red button that stops the car between floors, make sure you don't stay too long—it's all fun and games until the cops come through the ceiling panels to rescue you.
You also might want to check for cameras in the ceiling corners; most modern elevators have them as a security measure. Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing. Or you own the building, and want the tape for later.
#10: The Roof of a Building
We like to think of this as sex-in-the-woods, urban-style. And almost 10 percent of you have done it up there.
What's great about it: “You're surrounded by the noise of the city, but you're totally apart from it,” says Tom, an Irishman who lost his virginity on a rooftop in Belfast. Not to mention the views, a New Yorker reminds us. Location, location, location, baby.
Tom's not alone in having had many of his formative sexual experiences up there. An informal poll showed that rooftops are the go-to spot for lots of car-free urban teenagers when parks are too unsafe. “We had it down to an art form; we used to leave a blanket and a hurricane candle above the fire hose at the top of the stairs. I'm sure the maintenance guys were getting a big kick out of it,” says Alan, a hedge fund manager who grew up in New York.
“You're completely exposed. With all those lights on all around you, how could somebody not see?” says Laura, a nanny in London. “It's practically guaranteed that some random bloke, brushing his teeth before bed, is going to get an eyeful. But it's not like someone walking in on you—no matter what he sees, I'll never know! Nevertheless, I make an effort to put on a good show.” Bless your heart, Laura.
The roof is an ideal place for delicacies and champagne. Pack a basket, and some padding.
Best positions: You're limited only by your imagination—and common safety concerns, of course.
What to watch out for: The view is romantic, but the site itself can be considerably less romantic. It's dirty up there! Before you spread your blanket, make sure there are no nails, chunks of concrete, or other debris on the ground.
And if someone calls the cops, you're going to have to deal with the smirk on the doorman's face forever.
#11: In a Hammock
Well, if you're having sex in a hammock, it's pretty much a given that you're on vacation—or that you live in the kind of place that other, less lucky people might visit on a vacation. Seven percent of you have made this dream come true. Good for you.
What's great about it: Midori sensibly points out that there are different kinds of hammocks—the inexpensive kind with the large weave that campers sometimes carry, and the heavy-duty canvas ones that you typically find at resorts. Both have benefits, she notes. It might be uncomfortable if a limb slips through the first kind—or it might be the kind of impromptu bondage you were looking for. As for the second, that's basically sex while floating.
Urban dwellers, and those who don't get on vacation as much as they'd like, should consider those chairs that suspend from the ceiling. They're sex furniture in camouflage! Midori recommends these especially for people with partial disabilities, temporary or otherwise—just make sure the attachment is structurally secure before you ask it to hold the weight of two of you.
And if you're really into it on vacation, bring some of the excitement home. Try the Love Swing, from www.mypleasure.com, to “add spinning, bouncing, and entire ranges of movement to your lovemaking.” Or the Nicaraguan Nicamaka Couples Hammocks at www.nicamaka.com.
Best positions: Hammocks generally work best when you stand and she sits. A number of other possibilities are open to you, though. For instance, you can sit facing each other in what Tantric practitioners call Yab-Yum and rock away. Or maybe you're on top, she's on her front, and you're using your toes and fingers in the weave of the hammock for leverage. And if the hammock is relatively low to the ground, perhaps one of you (probably whoever's on top) can keep one foot on the ground. Or she can have her hands on the ground, belly and chest resting sideways on the hammock while you stand behind.
What to watch out for: Falling out. Flipping over. Getting stuck. The hammock coming unstuck from whatever's supporting it, dumping the two of you on the ground. In general, be careful here.
#12: The Gym
If fantasies always came true, this statistic would probably be significantly higher than 7 percent—what guy hasn't made a boring treadmill session more pleasant with a reverie about the bodacious rump on the machine in front of him? (And she thought you were watching Project Runway!)
What's great about it: The gym can be a great place for a romantic interlude. First of all, exercise is a powerful aphrodisiac, as it kicks your central nervous system into high gear. Clothing is also skimpier than usual—especially if there's a yoga studio attached.
What guy hasn't made a boring treadmill session more pleasant with a reverie about the bodacious rump on the machine in front of him?
Best positions: It depends. If the gym is crowded, a quickie in a locker-room bathroom is going to be tricky enough to pull off. But if you are alone for whatever reason—or have a home gym—then you've got the run of the equipment, and that's when the fun really starts. “The whole place is filled with adjustable benches, chairs, incline planes, all covered with padded black vinyl. Not to mention the mirrors or the fit balls,” says Carlos, a personal trainer from the Dominican Republic. “It's going to take me a lifetime to exhaust the possibilities.”
“I worked as a lifeguard at a fitness center last summer, and my boyfriend used to come in and wait for me on nights when I had to close the pool. We had sex all over the equipment,” says Zola, a graduate student in South Africa. “And those mirrors. . . .”
What to watch out for: It's really bad manners, if that's the sort of thing you care about. In fact, a group of janitors sued a large gym chain in the United States, claiming that they frequently had to witness and clean up after wanton sex-having members in steam rooms and saunas and showers. So please make sure to wipe the equipment clean after you're done!
#13: Public Transportation
Trains, planes, and automobiles, indeed—6 percent of you have had sex on some form of public transportation.
What's great about it: It's no accident that Hollywood filmmakers used the image of a train going into a tunnel to symbolize sex. Whether it's the motion of the vehicle, the anonymity and proximity to so many other people, or the opportunity delivered by a patch of forced idleness in our otherwise overscheduled lives, traveling often gives way to sexed-up thoughts and feelings. “I basically use my commute to think about having sex,” says Jon, a French academic. “By the time I get home, I'm ready to fall on my girlfriend.”
It's even better when you can share the love en route. “My college boyfriend and I had some of the hottest sex we ever had on the TGV [the French interurban train] back and forth from university,” says Alix, a pastry chef in Paris. “I'd bring a blanket to throw over our laps and we'd drive each other nuts! It made it better that we couldn't have actual sex, but were forced to use our hands.”
Strangers on a train, anyone? “When I was a student, a German girl stuck her leg across the sleeping car into my couchette. I invited her over, and we had a great (if quiet) time,” remembers Pablo, a Spanish music teacher. “And I don't speak a word of German!”
What to watch out for: Besides arrest? Offending others. Midori sensibly notes that there's a difference between privacy in a somewhat public location and thrusting the nasty details of your sex life into someone else's face. For instance, silently fingering someone under a blanket in an empty train row while everyone else in the car is asleep is privacy in a somewhat public location—if no one's the wiser, then who cares? But subjecting a busful of unwitting commuters to your own personal porno film is another thing entirely. “Other people are not props in your sex life,” says Midori. “It's an encroachment to make someone an unwilling witness to your sexual expression.”
“Remote-controlled sex toys can make for a lot of fun if you have to be together without being together.”
But Midori would never leave you high and dry. Instead she suggests something a little more subtle and sophisticated: “The new remote-controlled sex toys can make for a lot of fun if you have to be together without beingtogether.” You can control the speed and intensity of what she feels in her pants, even from across the aisle.
Try the Butterfly Effect, a strap-on, multi-speed waterproof vibrator that tickles her clit, her G-spot, and her anus all at the same time. You hold the remote, so she never knows when it's coming. Alternatively, the Robin's Egg Wireless Vibrator, with seven functions (three speeds and four pulsing patterns), has a range of up to 30 feet. You can get both at www.goodvibes.com.
#14: The Hospital
Five percent of you have had sex in a hospital. After all, there are plenty of beds there—adjustable ones, even.
What's great about it: The inappropriateness, for one. You're supposed to be getting better, not getting lucky.
As Midori points out, it's easier if you work there. That's what we heard, too. “I'd never have sex with a patient. But I've had lots of fun with people visiting patients!” says Bree, a German nurse. And no matter where you're from, the naughty nurse figures largely in many men's and women's fantasy lives.
“I met my husband while we were both residents at the hospital. All the students were having tragic affairs; it was quite funny—it felt like you were always walking into a closet or an empty room and getting an eyeful,” says Mac from Australia. “We had quite a bit of fun ourselves. He still works there, so for our 10th anniversary, I snuck in and texted him to meet in our old laundry supply closet. Delish!”
“I think it's an escape, too—a way of dealing with the stress of having to be in a hospital at all,” says Jorge, a doctor in Spain. “Most people hate them with a passion, especially if they have to be there for a long time, like with a sick parent. Getting a little love is a nice relief.”
“I gave my husband a blow job the day after I gave birth,” says Nikki, a jewelry designer in Australia. “We fell on each other like animals—maybe it was our way of dealing with the stress of new parenthood!” Most new dads should not count on their wives being as frisky as Nikki.
Best positions: If you're in a room, put that bed to work for you! Missionary position takes on all kinds of new relevance when she's sitting up a little. If you're in a closet, stairway, or bathroom, the standing-up positions are what you're looking for.
What to watch out for: Interfering with recovery. If one (or the both of you) is there for legitimate reasons, do move carefully around those IV tubes.
#15: An Airplane
Only 4 percent of you have reached new heights while airborne. “I'm astonished that only 4 percent have done it while flying!” says Liz, of Liz and Julie, British stewardesses extraordinaire and authors of You F'Coffee Sir?!! “They have all been on my flights, the dirty monkeys!”
That select 4 percent can count themselves part of the elite Mile High Club, retroactively “founded” by the inventor of the autopilot, who in 1916 crashed with his paramour into a Long Island pond and lived to tell the tale. And if that sounds like something we found on the Internet, well, you're not wrong.
What we do know for certain is this: Although only a small percentage of you have joined the club, it's not for lack of interest. This is a very popular fantasy. “This is a fantasy for many, many people, to bonk or be bonked in an aircraft toilet at 39,000 feet,” say Liz and Julie. “But to those of us who spend an awful lot of our time at 39,000 feet as part of our working lives, you really do baffle us!”
What's great about it: “Not comfortable, but fun to brag about,” reports Nadja from Croatia. What accounts for the appeal of having sex in mid-air? Perhaps it's the thrill of doing something naughty, illegal, and otherwise frowned upon while just a thin plastic wall (or an even thinner wool blanket) away from 500 unsuspecting travelers. Perhaps it's the lower atmospheric pressure and thin oxygen of the cabin, which makes an orgasm seem so sweet. Perhaps it's gaining membership to a relatively exclusive club. Whatever it is, the thrill definitely endures.
Percentage of men who fantasize about joining the Mile High Club:
Best positions: For advice on making this fantasy come true, we turned to James, a Brit who works for an international bank, and a self-proclaimed airplane expert. “I fly about 150,000 miles a year and find talking to women in airports to be considerably less boring than reading magazines or working on my laptop. So I've gotten quite good at shagging on planes.” Here's his preferred method: Wait for the in-flight movie, or, on a late-night flight, for lights out in the cabin. When the time is right, get up and head to the bathroom; the girl you're meeting should join you a minute or two afterward. While you're waiting for her, squirt a generous amount of hand sanitizer on the bathroom seat, wipe it off with a towel, sit down, and, uh, get ready. Your traveling partner, when she arrives, can straddle your lap. “The safety bars are spectacular aids,” James says. “I want them in my bedroom at home.” (Liz and Julie caution that this is best on larger jets, where there's more room.)
“I've gotten quite good at shagging on planes.”
Turbulence, James says, “can be scary—there was one time on a flight from Hong Kong when the girl I was with panicked. But if it's not serious, it can be quite fun, and add to the thrill.” There's not a lot of time, he warns: “A queue forms quite rapidly outside the door, even in the middle of the night.”
Afterward, she leaves the bathroom, and you follow a minute or two afterward. “It's only polite, in case there's some difficulty,” says James. “I've heard that the best thing to do if you're caught by a steward is to say that you were feeling rough and your lady friend was helping, but it's never happened to me.”
Liz and Julie have some other suggestions:
She bends over the toilet seat or, if she's adventurous, kneels on it, while you stand behind.
She perches on the edge of the basin, wrapping her legs around you as you stand. This may be uncomfortable for her, as the little tap will be jammed into her buttocks, which in turn will be crammed into the basin. Best for the slender.
She can sit on the toilet to perform fellatio; to return the favor, you sit and she stands one-legged with a knee hooked up on the little sink.
For the very daring, one of you kneels on the floor, while the other sits on the toilet seat, knees up and bottom shuffled forward. The two of you can even try for the feet-hooked-over-the-shoulders addition. “This is only for those with a total disregard for hygiene,” say Liz and Julie. “Aircraft toilet floors are practically toxic, and covered in ancient piss.”
WHEN EVEN A LITTLE PDA IS TOO MUCH
If you're traveling abroad with your honey, you may want to keep your hands to yourself—in public, anyway. In some countries, public kissing and carrying on—even between married couples—is illegal. So it's important to remember that American ideas about freedom of expression are, well, American.
For instance, in Asia, it's very unusual to see couples even holding hands, let alone kissing. When a Beijing movie theater promoted a date movie by offering a 20 percent discount to couples who'd kiss and hug at the box office, not one couple took them up on the offer—20 percent off wasn't nearly enough to overcome the taboo against public displays of affection.
The Turkish government censors emoticons, so that you can't even send a wireless wink to your honey. The Indonesian edition of Playboy does not feature nudity, and in fact, the editor-in-chief was prosecuted for obscenity. The country is contemplating a law that would criminalize the exposure of “sensual body parts” like the hips or thighs.
The simple fact is that the better you fit in to the culture you're visiting, the better a time you're going to have. Not to mention the satisfaction you'll get from subverting the image of “the ugly American.” Most guidebooks contain good information about social mores, such as standards of appropriate dress for women and the prevailing view on public hand-holding. Educate yourself and be mindful of the culture.
If chemical toilets aren't appealing, the other alternative is to wait for the lights to go down, throw one of those little blankets over the two of you, and let your fingers do the walking. If you're alone in your row and sure that nobody else is awake or will be bothered, why not? But do be considerate. How would you feel if the guy sitting in the seat attached to your tray table was doing the same?
So there you go—a guide to the very friendly skies, straight from the pros. Of course, those pros have galleys and bunk areas on the flight deck if they want to get up to something, which Liz and Julie tell us does happen.
What to watch out for: Federal interference charges, for one. It seems like every 6 months there's a news story about a flight forced to land due to a frisky couple who wouldn't quit groping each other. It's illegal to get busy in the bathrooms, too—not to mention vaguely unsanitary, which is what most flight attendants seem to fixate on.
#16: A Taxi
Taxicab confessions indeed. Three percent of you have quite a bit to talk about, apparently.
What's great about it: It's rolling foreplay, for those times when you can't keep your hands off each other. Give yourselves a challenge—can you get her to where she needs to go before you get to where you're going?
Best positions: Flip back to “A Parked Car” on page 222 to refresh your memory of the best backseat antics.
What to watch out for: Sudden stops—remember The World According to Garp?
Not to mention the human being driving the car. “I mind less than some other stuff, I can tell you,” says Ronald, a London cabbie. “I'd rather her back there giving him one than sicking up all over the place because she's had too much to drink.”
You can add some fun to the game by sitting up properly next to one another, hands in each other's laps, not letting your faces give anything away. And if that's not going to work, Midori once again steps in with thoughtful advice: “Tip big. I might even suggest you tip in advance. Even better, hire a private limo for the evening, and tell the company it's for a romantic evening. They've seen it all before, and the driver is better compensated.”
#17: The Airport
If you have a long layover, what's to stop you from using the airport hotel as your own personal no-tell motel? Even for a short layover, there are plenty of other places in which to say bon voyage.
What's great about it: Parting is such sweet sorrow, and nothing makes sex more poignant.
Best positions: More and more airport bathrooms are single-stall to accommodate families and people with disabilities, Midori notes. Be quick, so you don't inconvenience someone who really needs the facilities. She also points out that, for those of you with executive lounge privileges, the conference rooms are usually very private. Shhh! Fiona Patten of Australia's Eros Society says, “The shower in the Quantas Club is a convenient location.”
DANGEROUS PLACES: WHERE NOT TO DO IT
We're all for experimentation, but there are some places and times that really are not suitable for a tryst. They are:
A swimming pool or hot tub. As sexy as the whole Jacuzzi setup might seem, it's actually not a great place to have sex—although 32 percent of you have done it anyway. “Chlorine and other chemicals in pools and hot tubs can enter a woman's vaginal skin through microscopic tears, causing up to 10 days of soreness and swelling,” says Bruce Bekkar, MD, coauthor of Your Guy's Guide to Gynecology. That means a 10-day dry spell until she heals.
While driving. A surprising 21 percent of you have enjoyed some kind of sexual congress while driving. We hate to be killjoys—but what were you thinking? A 2005 study of drivers in Perth, Australia, by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety found that motorists who use cell phones while driving are four times as likely to get into crashes serious enough to cause injury. We can only imagine what the numbers would look like for motorists having their own gearshifts polished. Seriously—pull over.
What to watch out for: It says something about the new level of airport security that almost every single person we asked about this warned against sneaking off into some unauthorized zone. “I'm originally from Pakistan, so it goes without saying that I'm pretty much detained as soon as I get out of the cab,” says Nawaz. “Sorry, honey, you're going to have to wait until we get home!”